The ability to deal with stress is now and will be for the next decades the critical skill for a peaceful, fulfilled and successful life.
And dealing with stress does not mean counting to ten, exercising, meditating, having a massage or any of the traditional methods that Stress Management ‘Experts’ typically recommend. By being able to deal with stress, I mean tackling the issue full on and moving it from being something that saps your mental RAM (meaning the ability to focus your thoughts) to being something that even if the circumstances haven’t changed, you are over in your own mind.
I often say this, but I have to put it over and over again in different ways so that it sinks in to a deeep enough level that we recognise it in every situation. But in operating in this world, we face one fundamental choice. Do we want to be happy or do we want to be right?
I’ve just spent a few minutes talking with my daughter about an issue that was troubling her and I asked her this question. She told me she wanted both. But that’s the kicker. We can have one, but to choose one precludes us from having the other.
She is having an issue with a child at school who in her words is ‘constantly pestering her and being mean to her’. However you could substitute an irritating co-worker, an unreasonable Client, abusive Partner or brutal Dictatorship for the pestering kid and the dynamics are exactly the same.
photo credit: windowlicker.jonny
It started out with her deadset on wanting to make sure that the Teachers fixed the situation. However this kid has a history of manipulating the Teachers into believing She is the victim. So she was afraid of the reaction she would get from them.
I wanted her to understand that the real issue is always only in her mind. The world is unfair. There are over 6 billion of us all wanting the world to bend to our will. It’s never going to happen. We will always clash and think another to be unfair and unreasonable.
In her case Teachers are harrassed and working with incomplete stories. And quite frankly, the last thing in the world that they want to deal with is fighting kids. In another situation it could be an Employer too incompetent or uncaring to improve the work environment or even a world community that cannot be bothered to alleviate the plight of your country.
The real issue isn’t getting fairness. Or even having everyone accept the validity of your gripe and the rightness of your thinking. The real issue is that without seeing this girl for two days my daughter was still worked up about her.
Stuff happens and it’s natural to get worked up, upset and stressed. But what determines the quality of your life. Or your level of productivity. Or your health and wellbeing. Is how quickly you can restore your balance.
Do you reduce your emotional wellbeing, your attentional capacity and your physical health, for two days, on an incident that actually lasted minutes?
Because that is the fundamental choice we make when we decide between being right or being happy.
To choose to be right means we hold onto the view that the circumstances have to change, that a stand has to be taken, that the other must be punished.
To be happy means we focus on the one thing that we have the ability to control in these circumstances. Our thoughts about the incident. We cannot make everyone agree with our version of what is right, even if we read and learn every idea and trick of persuasion and manipulation. Nor can we guarantee that every authority will be fair, competent and concerned with our qualms. But we can find the way to peace of mind and move forward without fear, without bitterness and without frustration. And since it is not what we do, but the spirit, with which we do, what we do, that determines our emotional state, we can move forward in excitement.
The reason why I say this is going to be the critical skill for now and the coming era is because fundamentally our society shifts with economic imperatives. Our basic need is for survival. And beyond that we seek a way to define ourselves as successful. Typically we do this through buying brands of clothing and status symbols that present an image of which we want to be represented as.
Whilst our basic survival needs our now generally met, we still experience pangs of fear that these could be taken from us. And now as we compete on a global scale, we are no longer the only Blacksmith in the village. We now have to compete as Olympians compete. Against the best in the world. At such a high level of competition, in a winner takes all environment, tiny advantages make all the difference.
And so if you are competing at 80% of your mental capacity, you’ll lose. Just as an athlete running at 80% of full speed will lose. So in a more competitive world you can’t afford to carry frustration, bitterness and a cluttered mind around.
photo credit: Axel Bührmann
Getting back to the details, the real issue is to get over it in your mind. As my daughter and I talked, she started to see that there were some people in the class that she didn’t bother. Particularly the one who throttled and kicked her when she tried.
In other circumstances it might be someone who’s very socially confident and doesn’t feel self conscious around others and so might reflect the attack back on the aggressor.
You see, some people lack the ability to get on with others.
Yet we all need and seek out attention and validation. Ideally we would like people to tell us how wonderful we are. Often though people need prompting, so we subtly steer conversations in the direction that people can see how smart, witty and talented we are and marvel over our embellished achievements.
So these socially maladjusted people take it a stage further. They brag and boast. Then when still people fail to acknowledge their unrecognised (and often only potential) genuis, they go around poking people (most often psychologically) in an attempt to provoke people into paying attention to them and thereby stumbling upon their previously overlooked talents.
As the quote goes, every communication is either a loving gesture or a cry for help.
Just as we need to eat, to drink and breathe, we need positive interactions with others. When we lack the ability to get these we get frustrated and bitter and start to (emotionally) poke them. So people that are typically negative in their interactions, just lack the ability to evoke positive interactions and in their absence settle for any reaction. Because they can then, in their mind, turn these into victories and so generate some positive energy for themselves.
Now, imagine that you were one of these unhappy souls. And at times we all have been. How would you seek an interaction that can generate some energy for you.
Would you insult the wise cracking life and soul of the party and risk humiliation?
Or how about picking a fight with the 6ft 2inch hulking boxing champion and risking a rearranged face?
photo credit: CrotchSplay
Or challenge the Braniac to a IQ test and feel stupid?
Of course not. You look for the weak point where you can win.
So you might physically threaten the wisecracker, compare test results with the Boxer and laugh at the Brainiac’s clothes.
The point is that these people find the chink in your armour and in doing so, only reflect back to you, your own self doubts. The reason why they grab such a hold over your attention is because they bring to the surface your own internal conflict and make it seem like an external issue. Thus engaging your full attention.
Then these feeds them and makes them stronger and gives them a sense of importance, which was really the result they wanted all along. Only preferably more positively obtained.
Then as you rage, you demonise them for the unfairness of what they have done and for making you feel so bad. But really all they are is an external host for your own dormant internal demons.
Overcome your inner demons and these people will have no more impact and control over you than a speck of sand at the beach. A minor and momentary irritation.
When you can do this quickly and consistently, you will live 100% in the now with a clean uncluttered mind and access to your full mental bandwidth. That is what makes an Olympian Gold Medallist in the art of living.
